How to reduce conflict during the holidays

The holidays are here.  Candles, sparkling colorful lights, yummy food and treats, music, and presents.  But the holidays can be challenging for families with shared custody agreements or court orders.  Everyone has traditions they value, and ideas for how to spend time with family and friends during the holidays.  When traditions clash, values differ, unexpected things happen and then tensions start to run high, parents can end up in conflict with each other and then ruining the holidays for their children.

To avoid that, here are some tips for parents navigating the holidays:

1)         Confirm Parenting Time Early

If you have a custody order, review it well before the holidays so you don't have any unpleasant surprises. Work with your coparent to smooth out any details, or any changes that either of you proposes. Make your default setting “yes”; agree to proposed changes unless there is a very good reason to say no. If both parents do that, most issues can be easily resolved. Early planning avoids last-minute crises, and helps everyone enjoy the holidays.

2)         Put the Kids First

The holidays can be both exciting and challenging for kids. They want to spend time with both parents and want both parents to be happy. Tension between the parents over gifts and parenting time can affect the kids and make the holidays more unpleasant than fun. Encourage kids to enjoy where they are when they are there and enjoy them when you have them. If you are sad or frustrated about the schedule for holiday parenting, be the grownup and keep it to yourself.

3)         Don't Weaponize Gifts

Avoid giving gifts that are co-parenting flashpoints. Do you and your co-parent have different views on whether your children should have smart phones, video game consoles, or exposure to other items (like guns or extreme sports)? If so, don't create issues for your child and your co-parenting relationship by unilaterally giving your child a disputed item. Avoid lavish gifts the other parent can't provide. No competitive gifting! A useful test: If your child will feel they must hide, or flaunt, a gift when with the other parent, don't give it.

4)         Be Flexible

Things happen. Plans made by out-of-town guests can upend hopes for kids visiting extended family on the custody schedule, flights can be delayed or canceled, people can get sick. Assume the good faith of your co-parent if something happens and be flexible and creative in adjusting schedules and solving problems.

5)         Don't Expect the Court to Step In

The holidays come every year, are not a surprise, and absent some extraordinary development, judges are not quick to grant ex parte relief to settle holiday-time custody disputes. Your failure to plan is not an emergency for the court to fix.  Plan in advance, work cooperatively with your co-parent, and avoid the need to ask for court intervention